What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 02:39
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Which is the correct Tamil New Year, Thai-1 or Chithirai-1?
It was going to be , some day.
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did my crush like me for only two days in a row?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
My life is so biszare .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
How does it feel to have sex with a 40 year old curvy aunty?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is soul school!.
I was scared of men, in general
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was in good health!
What do flat Earthers think causes the "magical downward force"?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I waited trembling.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She loved him until the end.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Comes on , in middle age.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So whats the point in blame.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why did i forgive my father ?
One cannot live in the past .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He resisted the act ,that day.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I write beautiful poetry .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My mum and dad in the seventies!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She wouldn,t have been !
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I will be 64.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was seconnd youngest,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Who then, do I blame.?
We were not on the streets..
We all went to grammer schools
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i lived it daily.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But it wasn’t much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I have no regrets .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She found it foreign!.
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im still living with it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
(And it was in our own minds.)
All the time i was locked up.
I was 9 years of age.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I said to her
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So, i spoilt her more .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He knew the spot.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.